On The Right Track (1981) - unless we're talkin' 'bout how we're spending our entertainment money

One day I will have to admit that I saw this movie twice in theaters. I hope it's not via a sophisticated system of interlinked computer networks using the same protocol to serve billions of users worldwide.

The first time I saw it, I don't remember how I got there. As a kid, these decisions are frequently made for you. Your mom wants to go to the mall. You don't want to go. She calls you sweetly from the other room, and you wake up in a theater next to an usher holding an ice pack on your head.

Sometimes Mom has to get stuff done. She figures it's safe to leave the kids at the cineplex as long as they're with their siblings and the movie features one of those squeaky-clean kids from Diff'rent Strokes.

I take full responsibility for seeing this the second time.

Between viewings A and B, we'd moved to our small Texas town. The lure of hanging out at the theater on a Friday night and making multiple trips to the snack bar must've been substantial.

In this film, Gary Coleman lives in a locker at the train station and picks winning horses for people as he reads the newspaper while shining their shoes. I think Mr. Roper tries to stop him or something.

Man, I liked Twizzlers. They were particularly fun to bite the ends off of and use as a straw.

Swiss Family Robinson, baby (Re-release)

Shipwreck!

Pirates!

Suspending your disbelief that two young men wouldn’t notice a “boy” was actually an attractive lady in disguise!

Swiss Family Robinson (1960) was fantastic. I didn’t know how old it was when it was re-released in ’81. It didn’t matter. What matters is that if you went to a popular 21-year-old movie now, you’d be paying $9 to see Look Who’s Talking. 

Treehouses!

Coconut bombs!

The Swiss!

And who doesn’t like to see some good ol’ pirate butt-kicking?

This is Disney live-action greatness. 


I saw it again the other night with my kids, courtesy of Turner Classic Movies. We’d previously seen Old Yeller on TCM, and my son, 6, recognized the mom (Dorothy McGuire) and two younger brothers (Tommy Kirk and Kevin Corcoran) from that film.

“The dad is different, though. He doesn’t have earlashes.”  

My boy was referring to sideburns, but I may never call them sideburns again.

The dad from Old Yeller, Fess Parker, died within days of us watching that one. I feared for the life of Mr. Robinson (John Mills) after this, but saw that he had already gone to the Big Treehouse in the Sky in 2005 at 97 years of age. 


97! He gets no pity from me.

Any pity I have goes to the animals in this movie. You would not be allowed to ride an ostrich like that today. 

A re-make in 2012? Sure, why not? Those computers can make some realistic-looking ostriches.

A Clean-up On Elm Street

A new A Nightmare On Elm Street? I’m still getting over the original, when I saw it in junior high and got leg cramps from sitting with my feet on the chair in front of me and tensing up every couple minutes. It was the first time I’d ever experienced this agony, and I let out a worthy Wilhelm scream during the movie. My fellow Mission Theatergoers had to think I was the biggest wuss ever.

Inspired by some key scenes in the film, a friend and I became obsessed with checking out our school’s boiler room. It turned out to be about 1/80th the size of the one in the movie. But still, pretty cool.

I only went to a few scary movies back then because they weren't my thing. The real draw was having fun with friends, like when one “accidentally” spilled his drink all over an annoying classmate.

Here's how you pull that off:

You didn't get this from me.