Monday, April 19, 2010

K-9: The Reality Series

I'd like to say it was strictly an admiration for German Shepherds that inspired me to see the movie K-9 (1989). But I also didn't mind the work of Jim Belushi.

I particularly liked his SNL portrayal of Captain Kangaroo, who completely loses it while feeding clues to a rather dense game show partner.

And I enjoyed the SNL bit where he's a mean grocery store manager who’s given a pair of shoes that open doors automatically, causing him to meet his comeuppance down an elevator shaft.

Basically any skit where Jim Belushi was a jerk.

However, K-9 was average fare. About what you’d expect from a dog movie. I must’ve liked it enough though, because I went back to the theater three months later when it was re-released as Turner and Hooch (1989).

Fast-forward a few years (and through this movie, if you like) and I’m married. Our first pet is a German Shepherd. This dog lives with us for 10 short years and is praised by every vet we meet as being the friendliest member of the breed that they’ve ever encountered.

I guess he only shared his ugly side with us. Like the time he reared up to the table while my back was turned, and took a deliberate, single bite out of my sandwich. Or when he politely didn't touch a newly planted tree for days. But during the 20 minutes while I was out buying a wire mesh to protect it (in case he got any ideas) … he devoured it.

Despite these indiscretions, he was a great dog. At the time of his passing, if cloning hadn't cost upwards of $100,000 and didn’t brand you as “kind of a freak,” I’d have considered it. Instead, I was left pondering these:

Questions I Have About Pet Cloning

1) After replicating Man's Best Friend at Bill & Melinda Gates prices, can you pick up with your pet right where you left off? Like in mid stick-throw, or something?

2) As you duplicate your dog's DNA structure while crippling all hope of retirement, are you essentially creating a being who's going to re-eat your favorite armchair?

3) Would a life savings-draining freak-pup hatched from your desire to play God be considered, in your vet office's eyes, as the same animal who enjoyed their services before? (Thus qualifying you for discounts because you technically own their oldest patient?)

4) Can you teach a new dog cloned from an old dog new tricks?

Jim Belushi made more K-9 movies. It'd be less expensive to just watch those. At least monetarily.

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