Rhinestone (1984)

Until a time-traveler approaches me at age 13 and teaches me the value of money, I'm going to continue revisiting a period when I must've taken my allowance and walked straight into the local theater without even looking at the marquee.

There's no telling what I was thinking here.

But at least, unlike some people, I don't have to look in the mirror and see a guy who turned down both Beverly Hills Cop and Romancing The Stone to make Rhinestone (1984).








Actually, I'm going to give myself a bit of a break on this one. Because below is exactly how I remember the trailer. Given this somewhat amusing premise, and the likability of both Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton, I can see why I would've been inclined to check it out.

And we all might need to give Mr. Stallone a break. Keep in mind that in the couple years prior to making this movie, he had taken considerable pummeling to the head in Rocky III, undergone physically grueling work with First Blood, and endured a merciless critical beating for directing Staying Alive.

There's no doubt this movie-making stuff can take its toll.

So out of sheer curiosity, for the sake of this post, and because I prepay on my Netflix subscription, I recently watched Rhinestone again. To my surprise, or through divine intervention, I couldn't remember much about it. It's possible that I had been goofing around with friends during the first viewing, or had made repeated visits to the concession stand with that money I didn't know how to manage.

For sure, the movie's suggestive banter had gone over my head. I had completely blocked out the romantic involvement between Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton—a scenario that seems as unlikely as, well, Sylvester Stallone dating Dolly Parton.

I also don't remember walking up the aisle as the credits rolled with an unwavering realization that Dolly had failed in her attempt to make Stallone a country singer. Because she failed alright. Maybe they should've at the least had his brother Frank dub the vocals.

So ... worth revisiting? Good gosh, no. And if you're even remotely tempted, please continue reading.

WARNING:

DO NOT be lured into watching Rhinestone by the fact that director Bob Clark had just come off of filming the delightful A Christmas Story.

Even though this movie was inspired by the song "Rhinestone Cowboy," that song was a hit, this movie was not.

If you watch the opening titles and think returning to the New York City of the 1980s might be fun (the place has definitely cleaned up) save your nostalgic trip for Splash.

You just gotta not watch this, friends.